Absolutely Delightful

It’s been a while. A busy life with kids has gotten in the way of my blog about a busy life with kids! How ironic. There is lots to catch up on! It was a busy summer with the kids and now a busy fall and winter too! Muffin started Kindergarten! I thought I’d have more time on my hands when he started Kindergarten as he’d be in 5 days a week…boy was I wrong. Partially because, despite repeated warnings from friends, I volunteered to be Room Parent (cue scary doomsday music). More on that later. Here is my little guy on his first day of school. The only tears shed that day were from Mommy.

On his first full day, Princess Pea (formerly known as Madam Poopsalot) kept asking all day where her brother was. When I came to pick him up after his first full day, Princess Pea could hardly contain her excitement and ran straight to him with the biggest smile and gave him the longest, hardest hug I have ever seen her give. This is particularly shocking (and cute) considering that she’s constantly rebuffing his hugs and cuddles.

I’ve digressed! There is just so much to tell over the past several months! What does all this have to do with Girls Gone Wild, you ask?! Absolutely nothing. So let’s get to it.

Princess Pea is now three. Just prior to her birthday, she was on target for her receptive language but was about a year behind on her expressive language. I’ve taken her to several specialists and there seems to be no other issues except for the fact she isn’t speaking much or annunciating very well. Now, to say she doesn’t speak sure doesn’t mean that she is a bad communicator! Girl can C-O-M-M-U-N-I-C-A-T-E! She has a few key words…like “NO!”. She uses that one liberally and with force. She can also throw a wicked tantrum. My son never really did the tantrum thing. Princess Pea, on the other hand does it with drama and flair. Fortunately tantrums are not super frequent but when they do occur, watch out! Usually I attempt the lovingbighugitout solution. This usually just results in her going ‘boneless’ and dropping to the floor, where she’ll start flailing about like an epileptic fish. So, don’t try that ‘solution’ unless you enjoy getting kicked in the face by a rogue foot. I do not.

However, these crazy wild dramatic tantrums aren’t what concerns my husband. Oh no! It’s the things like pulling her skirt up over her head (why do little girls do that?!?!). The desire to go shirtless (if big brother is doing it why can’t I?). And it’s her attempts to ‘help’ us apply her after-bath lotion…directly to her privates! Granted that last one comes from her thinking it’s just like diaper rash cream. Dr. McCutiePants is convinced she’s destined to be the star of Girls Gone Wild and poor Daddy is sweating bullets.

It seems that life as a busy mom has gotten in the way of my blog about life as a mom! It’s just been a busy few months year and a half! with the family. Both kids are out of diapers now and so I’m coming out of the fetal position blogging retirement to discuss the myth of the SuperMom who does it all! I have to admit I hate yet envy, despise yet admire, am super annoyed by yet aspire to be like (and fail to be)…the SuperMom. You know the one…the good-looking, hip mother of two or more kids who is always dressed nicely with perfect hair and her kids are all adorable, cooperative, and never messy. Oh, and she’s DOING IT ALL BY HERSELF! Effortlessly. She has a great career, great social life, is keeping up with all the kids education and enrichment, is keeping all the various kiddie parts wiped, and has passionate sex with her husband more than once every two weeks. She lives in a big house that is always spotless – no toy clutter or breakfast crumbs to be seen anywhere. She has white designer furniture with no kid-stains (okay so I have white furniture with hardly any kid stains but it’s only because I YELL at them (in my supermom voice) to stay out of the parlor. Oh, and she has a super-clean state-of-the-art kitchen where every day she whips up perfectly balanced gourmet meals that the entire family eats every last bite of without one peep of a complaint.

Well, you know what?! Don’t believe it! It’s not real. This woman exists only on TV and in movies…on blogs and on Facebook. Especially on Facebook. Oh, don’t even get me started on Facebook! Carefully staged photos and well-crafted stories give the illusion that regular moms are living out their days in a dreamy haze of crafts, educational enrichment, organic cooking, and perfect children. These are just highlight reels. The edited version. The woman in the real world is not in fact doing it all perfectly and effortlessly. Or, if she is, I can GUARANTEE you that there are other actors behind the scenes: grandparents, nanny, babysitters, etc.. It’s a total crock of crap. A farce.

So please, moms (and dads) don’t use her as a yardstick to measure your own success. And remember, the ones who’s opinions really matter are the kids…to them, family is not a competition where the shiniest mom with the best party favors wins.

This morning Muffin was decidedly not absolutely delightful.

Every step of our morning was a battle. I was already feeling weary by 8:30am, when we got in the car to go to baseball camp, where I was absolutely delighted to unload him.

Things were better after I turned on the car radio to drown out his whining. He starts bopping and singing and I start smiling, giving myself kudos on how I brilliantly redirected his annoying behavior. Then it happens.

Out of nowhere, my cute little cherub bleats out “DAMN”! Then before I can get my wits about me, he does it again! “DAMN!”

Really? Did he just say that? Twice!

“Where did you hear that word?”, I asked. “I don’t know. Damn!”, my 4 year old songbird bleated again.

At this point I explained to him that “Damn” isn’t a nice word for a 4 year old to be saying and that he should say darn instead.

“But that’s not what the song says, Mommy. La la la, DAMN!”, he sings happily.

“No, way Mister. This song certainly does not use that word.”, I state (with conviction).

“La La La, DAMN!”

Stop doing that!”, I growl.

The song ends and he switches from profanity back to whining, continuing the theme of the morning. As I drop him off at camp, I give him a lecture on turning his attitude around, which I am sure is falling on deaf ears.

As I’m leaving camp, the same song comes on the radio. Sure enough there are several “damns” in the damn song.

Oops.

When I come back to pick him up I see that he’s delightful with his coaches and fellow campers. Oh good! His mood must be better now, I think.

Really, Rookie?!

Really?

Have you learned nothing in 4 years?

As soon as I get him away from the field he’s once again reverted to whiney (I think it’s reserved for mommy – I feel special). As I’m trying to get Muffin and his little sister into the car, he’s being extremely uncooperative. “Please get into the car.”, “No, don’t climb through your sister’s side.”, “Please sit in your car seat.”, “No, don’t reach into the middle console – there is no candy.”, “No, you may not have candy.”, “Please get in your car seat, NOW.”, “Get in your car seat!”, “IN YOUR CAR SEAT! NOW!”

So then he replies, “I’m too busy!”

What?!?!

“No, Mommy. I’m too BUSY turning my attitude around.”

Evidently.