Absolutely Delightful » Dad Tips

Dad Tip: The Worst Job in the World

DrMcCutiePants — Fri, 30 Sep 2011 22:02:53 +0000

It’s not what you think – even if I did consider parenting to be the worst job in the world (I don’t), I would never be so stupid as to admit so in a public forum.

But I have been job hunting recently. Muffin knows that, and keeps suggesting I get a new job so I can buy him a big house with a big yard – pressure much? Anyways, the other day, quite out of the blue as we approach Von’s in the car he gives me the following helpful offer:

I’m going to give you a job.

It’s the worst job in the world.

For once I have the sense to keep my mouth shut and not dig deeper. Which naturally I now regret, because I have to admit that I’m more than a little curious as to what the worst job in the world might actually be…

Dad Tip: Popcorn Smells

DrMcCutiePants — Wed, 30 Jun 2010 04:09:44 +0000

There is a special time of day in every parent’s life. It’s the time of day after the kids go to bed, and before the parent goes to bed. Sometimes it’s a time for tasks and chores, but if you’re lucky it’s a time for relaxation, talking to your spouse without constant interruption, and maybe even some treats.

Last night the treat of choice was popcorn. This was a very, very bad idea. About a minute after the popcorn came out of the microwave, we started to hear muffin saying something, then saying loudly something, and then finally yelling something.

It’s at this point in the story that you may notice I said after the kids go to bed and not after the kids fall asleep.

Daddy are you making popcorn?
Daddy I smell popcorn
DADDY ARE YOU MAKING POPCORN?
DADDY ARE YOU MAKING POPCORN?
I SMELL POPCORN

Oops.

Popcorn, as you probably know, has a fairly powerful and distinctive smell. Our home, as you may not know, has a strange and distinctive geometry that funnels smells right upstairs directly into Muffin’s room. Muffin, as you probably do not know, has an unusually keen sense of smell.

Luckily, when I went upstairs to talk to him, he was easily convinced that it was probably our neighbors making popcorn outside. Silly, silly boy.

The Most Powerful Food on this Planet Earth

DrMcCutiePants — Fri, 26 Mar 2010 03:58:55 +0000

Remember the Juiceman? He’s one of those awesome (awful?) infomercial stars, who rose to “fame” via his line of juicers, and a little help from his crazy eyebrows. I used to love his infomercial where he’d go around town forcing juice on people, and juicing some of the nastiest looking concoctions you’ve ever seen in your life. But there’s one thing he said that really stuck with me all these years:

Parsley is the second most powerful food on this planet earth.

I thought this was an incredible revelation, not only because I always kind of thought parsley was mostly a garnish, but because it suggested there was a single most powerful food, and the Juiceman knew what it was. Sadly, the Juiceman never gave the answer – not even in the manual for his juicer which I came across some years later.

I’m here to tell you the answer now.

The most powerful food on this planet earth is ice cream.

With ice cream, we can get muffin to do anything.

Dad Tip: Get Rid of the Snakes

DrMcCutiePants — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 20:53:02 +0000

A lot of people aren’t going to like what I have to say: Parenthood is about sacrifices. Anybody who tells you a child does not change your life very much is not just lying, they are telling the biggest lie imaginable. Children don’t just change your life, they ruin it.

Pardon me?

Yes, that’s right, children ruin your old life. They also give you the tools and the means to build yourself a new and better one including them. That is not however what this post is about. This post is about sacrifice.

Big, bone-crushing snakes may sound cool. They may be nifty pets when you are a not a parent. But as soon as you have children, it’s time to get rid of the snakes. Not just snakes either. Any “pet” that has a reasonable chance of killing your child in a sudden unexpected fit of rage, or even just a sudden unexpected fit of acting like the animal they are, needs to go. Right now.

A record of good past behavior is meaningless, because all it takes is one incident for your child to end up dead.

(via)

Dad Tip: Your Standards Will Lower

DrMcCutiePants — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 14:31:26 +0000

The funny thing about parenthood is that your standards for success and happiness bear little resemblance to what they were before children. I’m not talking about career and life, but the little things. Take for example dinner.

Pre-Children
Good Dinner: A nice homecooked meal and a bottle of wine.
Great Dinner: A multi-course meal at a fancy restaurant with a nice view of the ocean.
Fantastic Dinner: Like the above, but in a private room on a tropical island vacation.

Post-Children Good Dinner: One that you finish.
Great Dinner: One that you finish without getting up 12 times to fetch more milk or a new spoon to replace the one that was thrown on the ground or new paper towels to mop up the mess or the Cheerios since the entree is apparently unpalatable to 2 year olds.
Fantastic Dinner: Any dinner without the kids.

Now a few days ago, when I turned my back on a coloring session for about 17 seconds, I was presented with the following scene (thank goodness for washable Crayolas!):

Now I can assure you, that this is not behavior we condone during coloring time. However, reflecting on the incident later that evening, this was what I had to say:

A little marker on the wall, who cares? He was quiet while he did it.

Dad Tip: Strange Things Will Make Your Wife Nauseous

DrMcCutiePants — Thu, 18 Jun 2009 18:16:01 +0000

Note: I am aware that some people feel the “correct” word is nauseated, and not nauseous. These people are in fact highly nauseating, and need to take it up with Merriam-Webster.

Before we were married, and long before she was ever pregnant, there was one thing that never failed in making J nauseous – me fiddling with the soccer ball air freshener that hung from the rear view mirror in my car. I would bat at it playfully, and she would say “Stop it, you’re making me nauseous.” At the time I did not realize this was foreshadowing.

Fast forward a few years to a couple of pregnancies, and I now have an ever-growing list of items that are nausea-inducing to J.

1. Saying the Word “Rubio’s”

That’s right, during the first pregnancy there was a particular bad bout of nausea immediately following consumption of a Rubio’s burrito. While likely unrelated, this did not prevent a moratorium on me using the word Rubio’s for about a year.

2. Closing the Blinds in Opposite Directions

When you close some horizontal blinds, you can close them in two ways. Naturally, there is both a right and a wrong way, which almost certainly varies from person to person. You may not however have realized that closing two sets of blinds in different ways is a potent inducer of nausea.

The strange thing during all of this is that the one item which makes me most nauseous (a big pile of stinking Muffin-poop), seems to have little ill effect on J at all.